As I was bleeding out on the pavement, I reached for my iPhone to check my insurance app. Maybe someone was having a sale on stitches this week, ideally someone close by. However, because it was the 4th of July (a typically injury fraught holiday), it seemed like surge pricing was in full effect. $75 just to have a look. Thus began the mental calculus many Americans are all too familiar with. Do I really need stitches anyway? I mean maybe I could get by with a bandaid… a really big bandaid.
At this point, I’m usually tempted to open Tinder and start swiping until I match with a doctor (or at least a medical student). I’m in no position to fight temptation. Even at $16 for a cocktail, it’s cheaper than urgent care.
Now I’m not going to say I was biking while intoxicated, but I just started this new starvation diet where you don’t eat anything for the first 36 hours, then you’re allowed 6 almonds for the next 72. Perhaps I was a little light headed, but definitely still in control. I can handle my almonds!
Just my luck, I matched with Dr. McDreamy, sitting right in the closest urgent care center.
Me: Hey, you busy?
Doctor: I am at work right now, but this guy isn’t getting any better no matter what I do. Sup with you?
Me: I’m having the most American of 4th of Julys. You really a doctor?
Me: Pop quiz! How would you treat minor abrasions and multiple epidermal lacerations on the left leg?
Doctor: Umm…I usually start with drinks
Me: Great! What kind of alcohol ya got? Rubbing? 😉
Doctor: Wow, it’s like you know me.
Me: Well, I’d love to get to know you more. In fact, I am heading over to you right now.
I hobbled my way over, credit card in hand. In the end I wound up with a rather large bandage. I’m sure it will be fine. Happy 4th!