Category: Satire

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The Church of Deep Work

I have uncovered a mythical place, a place rumored of and nearly forgotten by the throws of modern life. It is a somber house, full of reverent heads bowed with devout focus over their written works, towards which their hearts turn. I walked in, uncertain of whether to speak. “May I help you?” the lady behind the booth asked. Slanting the volume of my voice downward, I reply, “The three last issues of Wired magazine, please.”

The 42nd Street New York Public Library has the reverent quiet of the singularly purposed The 42nd Street New York Public Library has the reverent quiet of the singularly purposed

Yes, it was the New York Public Library. The silence hits you like a wall when you enter an archive or a reading room. There is a shared agreement and understanding: all come to work, to thrive upon the focus in the air, which each new devotee adds to.

I can almost imagine benefactor Samuel Tilden standing upon the steps of the 5th Avenue entrance, declaring in the lantern light: “Give us your addled, your burdened, your distracted masses who yearn to focus freely!”

Patience the lion greets and guards the 5th Avenue entrance to the New York Public Library Patience the lion greets and guards the 5th Avenue entrance to the New York Public Library

The entrance to the Church of Deep Work is narrow – because of the bag check security – and it’s followers may be few, but I see a revolution coming! Robopocaplyse? No, it’s the fleet of knowledge workers striding singularly, together, on their independent, intertwining journeys.

Hats off to Patience and Fortitude for guarding the way for newspaper-readers, writers, and researchers alike to find their place in the stacks.

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An addendum to Christmas tree arbitrage

Last holiday season I followed the pine needle trail to find different Christmas tree pricing from block to block. The good news: there are still arbitrage opportunities! The bad news: average prices are up by 50%. Supplies are short, so don’t throw too much shade at the tree farmer hustle, they want to buy Christmas gifts too. I’ve seen some excellent minimalist millennial tree substitutes as well, exemplar below.

Book tree - and there were books to spare! A true thespian's West Village nook. Book tree – and there were books to spare! A true thespian’s West Village nook.

So cozy up with your book tree, pine tree, or just the Captain Morgan’s spiced rum, and remember that it doesn’t have to be pricey to be festive.

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You’ve been Cronutted

Being (admittedly) one step behind the foodie trend, I was mightily pleased when I came across an Upper West Side food fair with a bold banner announcing “CRONUTS”, the flakey croissant-like donuts that somehow seem to come up in every weekend conversation with my hard-core foodie friends.

I picked out a juicy Nutella and creamy coconut pair and glanced at the name “Jolie’s” in small print in the corner of the banner, not thinking much of it…only to learn upon presenting my +1 with his trophy donut that I’d been duped by a copy cat! Well, I was still really excited to eat the donut, so I actually didn’t feel that bad. But I was certain that such a catchy name had to be trade marked, lest other chefs take advantage of the hard won innovation. While Wikipedia says “yes”, the NYC bakery market says, “You think a patent and trade-mark can stop us?” While no big players have been so brazen as to steal the exact name, nothing else is sacred. Yes, D&D is in on the action.

So how does that make all the entrepreneurs feel about where their blood, sweat and tears are going? Eh, it’s par for the course really. Did you hear about the lady that invented these now ubiquitous spinners? That’s right, no, because Chinese-built knock-offs flooded the market once her patent expired. In the land where IP is thought to be sacred, you may not always be much better off. But on the upside, for us consumers, more donuts of 80% the quality!

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Meeting you at your level: NYC Sandwich Board Marketing

My eyes tilted downward at my phone as I traverse the streets of Manhattan, sandwich boards turn out to be perfect marketing height! Like a good PowerPoint presentation, the best boards are not text heavy, and speak without words.

Any given hole in the wall can punch above its weight with an emotive graphic promising a delicious sensory experience.

Let’s be real, even the trendy little spots might barely be making rent, so no need to splash out on a fancy awning that only gets weather-worn. Keep it fresh, keep it innovative, and keep it at iPhone level 🙂

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Doing SJP proud

Bartender: “Hey, how’s your evening going?”

Me: “Great!”

Me: “Wow that’s a lot of beers you have on tap! Must be 15”

Bartender: “20 actually”

Me: “Anything local?”

Bartender: “Actually yes, we have Brooklyn Brewery, Coney Island Lager, The Other Half”

Me: “That’s great! You know a lot of local beers can’t get into bars like this”

Bartender: “Huh?”

Me: “There’s a monopsony among distribution companies; it creates so many logistical challenges.”

Him: “…”

Me: “Microbreweries seem like a tough business! They get squeezed on both sides, with limited number of supplier as well! You need a lot of conviction to start one.”

Bartender: “…”

Me: “Yeah, and –“

Bartender: “Yep, the Other Half is a great IPA.” He wandered to the other end of the bar.

Sarah Jessica Parker would be proud.

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War Dogs: an MBA’s Review

While watching the true story inspired movie War Dogs (which shows how two twenty-something year old bros manage to land a huge arms supply contract with the DoD through illegal shenanigans), I could not help but considerer some simple measures that could have saved them a number of near death experiences and general grief.

1. Match your product to the market

When David takes a leap of faith by buying thousands of high-end bed sheets to market to old age homes, he finds there is no demand for his supply. While some simple market research ahead of time probably could have prevented him from getting into such a pickle as a living room full of bed sheet inventory, he didn’t need to keep trying a square peg on a round hole. Why not pivot to a new target market, like boutique hotels or spa chains, which he was already well networked in as a masseuse? Understandable, he hadn’t gotten his MBA, so he landed up partnering with his scamster childhood bestie, Efraim. Which led him to his next tight spot.

2. Scan that contract!

OK, you know you’re working with someone who routinely rips other people off. Just because he hasn’t gotten to you yet, doesn’t mean the overwhelming risk is not there. So when you have one hard copy of a contract, maybe think about scanning it! Ok, I’m not a lawyer, but I do know what’s binding in business, and that’s only a signed agreement you have evidence of. This isn’t legal advice so much as the vicariously learned lessons of a litigious society, the land of opportunity and law suits.

3. Randomized testing

David and Efraim find themselves presented with a multi-million dollar bid opportunity with the government, and they fly all the way to Albania to check out a potential source for their arms. Despite the half day flight from Miami, they can’t be bothered to open more than one cherry-picked box of bullets! I understand they might have been overwhelmed by wishful thinking when presented with a life-changing opportunity. But any product production or procurement does require a randomized sample to ensure quality. 

4. Pay your people

Deciding not to pay the Albanians doing the illegal dirty work was a serious loose end in Efraim’s plan. The most successful businesses tout their people as their most valuable asset rather than treating them as a cost center. This mindset will reduce turnover and attract high quality candidates. It may seem less worthwhile to apply this thinking to project work, as with the Albanians – but expecting no blow back from people with nothing to lose when you breach a contract is clearly naive. 

While I’m sure I couldn’t have taken AEY as far as the b.s.ing sociopath Efraim Diveroli, I’m pretty sure some basic principles of the MBA variety would have kept it from falling as far. But then there wouldn’t be such juicy Hollywood material to immortalize the ballsy bros of our generation, like Jamie and Charlie from The Big Short. May God save us all.

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Arbitrage Opportunities in the Christmas Tree Market in Lower West and Central Manhattan

Christmas Trees are sold at different prices in NYC. Here’s a map.

P.S. You should do a careful cost/benefit analysis of how much you are willing to pay vs. how far you’re willing to carry a Christmas Tree (and how manly you’ll look doing it). This is also known as the Traveling Salesman Problem.

P.P.S. This post is a post-purchase reflection. We picked up a tree wandering back from the bar the night after Thanksgiving. Tipsy purchases are always efficient! We got a mid-priced tree 🙂

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Say No to the Dress

We’ve all heard of Kleinfeld Bridal. Actually, I hadn’t until all my friends told me. “You’re going wedding dress shopping? Are you going to go to Kleinfeld? I’ve seen every episode through season 7 of ‘Say Yes to the Dress’!” So, of course, I had to add it to my dress circuit. I’ll admit that I’m a bit of a maximizer, so rather than optimizing for speed of dress selection, I embraced my inclination to visit every store and planned the most efficient route between boutiques. 

First, I selected for density of shops. Racked.com gave me an excellent layout of the playing field. If clustered appropriately and combined with a clear schedule, I could fit up to four boutiques in a day, assuming 1.5 hours per shop and a minimum of 20 minutes of transit and transition time. I left the ones closer to work lower on the list, assuming I could find a long lunch break or a 5pm departure on some occasion. And for biggies like RK Bridal, I assumed a whole afternoon would be required to a) get there and b) sift with limited assistance through the thousands of dresses on offer of every design and designer. Then, I tossed out the options that were a poor fit for me. The easiest ones to de-prioritize were the custom houses and the department stores, as I didn’t have a vision to fulfill but did want some expert assistance.

By my fifth shop, I felt I’d found my dress. But as most of the luxury bridal businesses require bookings well ahead of time, I was still making doubly sure that I’d found the one, and enjoying the bridal shopping experience with more leisure when I arrived at Kleinfeld. 

Kleinfeld, I was expecting, would be the cherry on the cake. At Pronovias I experienced impeccable care, warmth, and charm. At Designer Loft, they put the Fashion in Fashion District, with elegant designs and balanced variety. At Kleinfeld, I met…a nose in the air. “How many will be in your party?” the receptionist asked as I made my appointment. Glancing around looking for mafia sized wedding entourages, I saw no such intimidating crowds and turned back to the receptionist. “Two,” I replied. 

As I waited for my room, I leafed through their album of blond women in gigantic dresses, cuddling with their new husbands on large suburban estates. My name was called, and my heavily made up consultant offered a hand and a strained smile. I realized I needed to break the ice of her wintery introduction. 

“Hi Veronica, great to meet you! How has your day been?” We settle into my fitting room. 

“So busy…people just don’t know how hectic bridal is. It takes nine months for the dress to arrive.” She paused meaningfully, and I nodded somberly. “And with alterations, you need one more month. So you need to find a dress at least 10 months ahead of time. Bridal is very busy.”

Really? That’s fascinating, because my friend who has worked in fashion his whole professional career tells me he can make an entire line in 10 weeks, and a made to measure wedding dress in 6 or less. Are you sending it to China and then back again for alterations? Or maybe you’re just trying to maintain a line like a hot club in Soho…

Maybe I’m thinking about this the wrong way, but that sounds like the opposite of hectic. That sounds deeply inefficient! Thinking back to Management 101 from my MBA, it seems that every other business in the world carries some inventory, and no doubt bridal in effect is the same, as the same designs and dresses are loaned to hundreds of bridal shops in the greater New York area alone. Now I understand these samples are used for marketing first and sold in “Sample Sales” later. There is no substitute for seeing fashion items in person, which is why our favorite Wharton all-stars Warby Parker got storefronts. But if it’s worth the investment to have a few floaters in showrooms, why not have a few in stock for purchase in season? It creates an operations nightmare not to be able to batch production and, instead, hand sew each item in the order that it was purchased. But if it’s for a weeeddding, everyone is suddenly willing to suffer slow and sometimes poor service, and pay extra for it. To the untrained eye, it rather feels like a marketing tactic of artificial scarcity. Brides are made to feel more grateful that we have the privilege of paying thousands of dollars, and are glad that we receive anything at all for it. All the while we are funding the inefficiency of the system. But that’s the cynical view. 

“What’s your price range?” Veronica queried.

“I’m taking a you-know-it-when-you-see-it approach.”

“Well sooome of our dresses are fif-teen-thousand dollars”

Did you watch Austin Powers on repeat to get that effect? It was Dr. Evil with a dash of Sandy from Daria. Wait, I can’t answer a question with a question, pick a number…and something high, so that she still talks to me…

“I’d like something below $8,000.” She looked relieved, or perhaps willing to suspend disbelief.

After answering some more queries about style preferences, the parade of try-ons began. The other consultants cooed, “You look amazing!” to the second and third dresses as a strode into the hallway to get the feel of each dress. I took these complements with a shaker of salt. I’d gotten positive feedback from wedding dress consultants on all sorts of outrageous dresses by that point. I definitely looked like a piñata in one of the first dresses I tried on that the consultant glowed was “a show stopper”. Yes, but not in a good way, I thought after reviewing the photos. You couldn’t find me amidst all the tulle on another dress that a consultant thought was “the one”. But what’s wedding dress shopping without a blooper real? 

“Ooooh, I like that one – how much is it?” My friend asked a few dresses in.

“Probably $2,000” I ventured, as there were no price tags, and it was a less attractive version of one I’d tried on previously priced at $1,600. I spoke too soon. Veronica walked in.

“It’s two thousand, six hundred dollars,” she half glowered.

Maybe I should make this a bidding war to emphasize my price insensitivity… “I’ll pay $3,000! It’s less? Make it $4,000!” Yes, there’s the unspoken rule: if you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. And we’d already broken it, so screw it, let’s take this all the way down hill!

She presented another dress. “This one is a Kleinfeld exclusive.” 

Yes, you’ve said the magic word! Exclusive? I want to be a part of anything exclusive to feel meaningful! If you’re not busy later, can I join your Mean Girls crew? And no, you can’t sit with us.

I nodded with a weak smile, trying to feign continued interest. By that point, everything looked like a tackier version of something I’d already tried on elsewhere. I had reached my saturation point.

“Thanks Veronica. I’m not going to make any decisions today, I’d like to bring my mom back so she can see my favorites.”

“Could your mom not make it today?” She asked. She’d mastered that fine line between bored and exasperated.

Do you see my mom next to me? One would have thought that was apparent by the lack of my mom being here. “No.” 

Yup. I Say No to the Dress.

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Those Three Little Letters Every Girl Wants

I’ve recently added three shiny letters to my name. Not MRS – though that’s soon to come – but MBA. And now that I have re-planted myself in a thriving habitat for my variety, I feel flush with observations about where my ninja-like business skills could give this town of small businesses more facelifts than Beverly Hills. 

My business juju was stirred as I was experiencing my first major life event since finishing my Wharton MBA: wedding dress shopping. The engagement itself was a close second. My love had that look in his eyes. Sneakiness. When I asked, “What are you up to…”, a diamond ring appeared from his sock drawer. (As this is an anonymous blog, the version told in person will be much more gripping. The Facebook version has him kneeling beneath a shimmering waterfall, with me looking gleefully surprised and conveniently camera-ready.) However, if wedding dress shopping could be as efficient as my fiancé’s proposal, several worlds would crumble.

Make no mistake from the beautiful bride photos you’ve all seen, there are layers upon layers of industries and middle men all ready to mark prices up 30% when they hear it’s for your “special day”. While some of this is side-steppable if you don’t say that dollar sign word “wedding”, there’s no getting around that when you’re picking a wedding dress. And I certainly did learn a few things from this catch 22.